If Men Ruled The World
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- Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

- Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

- Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

- When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the big game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

- Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the butt and a "Nice hustle. You'll get 'em next time!" would pretty much do it.

- Birth control would come in ale and lager.

- Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

- The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

- "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

- It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

- Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

- Tanks would be far easier to rent.

- Garbage would take itself out.

- Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

- Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

- Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would occur only on leap years.

- St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

- Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

- The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

- Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

- When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. For example:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
Man: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place..."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off!"

- Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

And perhaps most importantly...

- People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

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