Lawyers are people who can write a 10,000-word document and call it a brief.



   A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked, "How much is 2+2?"

   The housewife replies, "Four!"

   The accountant says, "I think it's either 3 or 4.  Let me run those figures

through my spreadsheet one more time."

   The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How

much do you want it to be?"



   A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner.  He sees a sign

remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain

store.  So he asks the butcher: "How much for Engineer brain?"

   "3 dollars an ounce."

   "How much for  brain?"

   "4 dollars an ounce."

   "How much for lawyer brain?"

   "100 dollars an ounce."

   "Why is lawyer brain so much more?"

   "Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"



The other day my house caught fire.  My lawyer said, "Shouldn't be a problem.

What kind of coverage do you have?"  I said, "Fire and theft."  The lawyer

frowned.  "Uh oh.  Wrong kind.  Should be fire OR theft."



   A lawyer died and appeared before the pearly gates. When he arrived, a chorus

of angels began to sing in his honour and St. Peter himself came out to shake

his hand.  "Mr Morris," said St. Peter, "it is a great honour to have you here

at last.  You are the first being to break Methuselah's record for longevity. 

You have lived 1028 years."

   "What are you talking about?" said Morris.  "I'm 56."

   "56?  But aren't you John Morris?"

   "Yes."

   "A lawyer?"  "Yes."

   "From Brooklyn?"  "Yes."

   "Let me check the records," said St Peter.  He slapped his hand against his

forehead.  "Now I see the mistake, we added up your billing hours!"



A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a

fund for his funeral.  The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a

shilling.  "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an

attorney?  Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."



"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had

solved her legal troubles.  "My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the

Phoenicians invented money, there has been only one answer to that question."



"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your

background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.  "If I wasn't under

oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.



God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for

all.  When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're

going to find a lawyer?"



   A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone.  After he had made his

selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

   "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.

   "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter.  "In this state, it's

against the law to bury two people in the same grave.  However, I could put

"here lies an honest lawyer."

   "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.

   "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim,

"That's strange!"



The trouble with the legal profession is that 98% of its members give the rest a

bad name.