TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

AND,
the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN
 
 
 
 

A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar
and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain
admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a
necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of
jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his
neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets
the
ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer
carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I
guess you can come in - just don't start anything."
 
 
 
 

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The
bride is concerned "What if the place is still bugged?" The groom says
"I'll look for a bug."

He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug "AHA!"
Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife,
unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window.

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was
your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate
Hotel?"

The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"

The hotel manager says, "Well, the room under you complained of the
chandelier falling on them!"
 
 
 
 

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch
at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal,
and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman
artfully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the
fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them.

Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and
set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat,
and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to
purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to
split theirs.

The old gentleman said," Oh no. We've been married
50 years, and everything has always been and will
always be shared, 50/50."

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to
eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."
 
 
 
 

QUOTABLE QUOTES

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him
in a department store, and he asked for my autograph. --Shirley
Temple

If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would
probably be Labor Day Weekend. --Doug Lars

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you
don't need it. --Bob Hope

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their
fellow man, and I hate people like that! --Tom Lehrer

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then
I thought: What good would that do? --Ronnie Shakes

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by
dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. --Rod Serling

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving
birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. --Sam Levenson
(1911-1980)

Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor
well-done. --Ernie Kovacs

Always remember this: If you don't attend the funerals of your
friends, they will certainly not attend yours. --H.L. Mencken

A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells
us the truth about its author. --G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the United States,
unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine milimeter
bullet. --Dave Barry

This isn't right. It isn't even wrong. --Wolfgang Pauli, on a paper
submitted by a physicist colleague

Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and
the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than
money. --Joey Bishop

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate
--Franklin P. Jones

Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, that's REALLY BAD
for you. --Tommy Smothers

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of
twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
--Norm Crosby

The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends
thought I didn't exist. --Aaron Machado

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit
going to those places. --Henny Youngman

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can
be the designated driver. --Jay Leno

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win
or lose. --Darrin Weinberg

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life in
which you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. --Fran
Lebowitz

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a
coffin. --H.L. Mencken
 
 
 
 

Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when Jesus walked
across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three
astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the 1st guy
asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since
I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ... Could you help me?"
"Of course, my son," Jesus said, and when he touched the man's
back he felt relief for the first time in years. The 2nd guy who
worevery thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving ,
asked if Jesus could do anything about his poor eyesight. Jesus
smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake.
When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see
everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to the 3rd guy, the guy put his hands out
defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability
pension."
 
 
 

Good Headlines!

* Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

* Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax

* Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

* Miners Refuse to Work after Death

* Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

* Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter

* If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

* Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

* Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

* Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

* New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

* Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

* Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

* Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
 
 
 
 

Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to
party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up
telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before
due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study.
The professor told them that they could have another day to study.
That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure
that they knew just about everything.

Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go
to two separate classrooms to take the exam. Each boy just
shrugged and went to two different parts of the building.
As each sat down, they read the directions:
"For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom. For 95 points,
tell me WHICH tire it was!"
 
 

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